Thursday, April 13, 2017
#BBIHUT6: Hello, BBI. May I Confess?
at 8:06 AM
As much as I'd like to wax poetry, this year, I just want to say my deepest...feelings. Regrets. Happiness. Annoyance. Sadness. And mostly, disappointment. Not you, but me.
I'm not merely saying that BBI is just a community to me. Nope. To me, BBI is a friend. Something that connected me with fabulous people around the country. People who, although I never met some of them personally, have been friends to me. And I even got to contribute as an Event coordinator for BBI, along with Mput, Mbak Na, and Kak Ching-ching. And previously, Chei. I have to say, I'm grateful to be a part of this team. They're wonderful people, and I really am happy with them as my teammates. But still, a part of me resents something in BBI. I'm starting to feel disappointed and unhappy. And worse, boredom. Disappointment I can handle, but boredom? Why do I feel those feelings? Why am I bored? Why am I unhappy? Why am I restless?
I've seen the dynamics within the internal managements (let's just call that, because we do manage stuffs for BBI). Members who have been with BBI from the start. The changes, sometimes better, sometimes undecided. The good, the bad, the ugly. And sometimes, disagreements between people in the various divisions that BBI has. I'd like to state that I'm not blaming anyone. I'm a management, so I'm also a part of some of those troubles . It's a community, of course people have different views. Of course, there's bound to be disagreements and miscommunication.
I've met and connected and chatted with several members. I'm one of the oldies, started on 2012, so I know a great deal of members (or know about, if not personally). Some are dearest friends, people I meet on regular basis like Mide and Mbak Melisa. Some are merely acquaintances. And there are new members that I know only on WhatsApp groups. People from every kind of professions there are, like doctors, teachers, students, editors, writers.
For the first few years, I was happy enough with BBI. I mean, hello, this is an amazing community. But this last couple of years, I feel restless. It stems from me. I started to post less and less. I started to read only, rarely reviewing. This book blog is sometimes abandoned for a few weeks running. What started as a hobby became harder to keep up. I keep going back and forth about closing up, but well, it's been years and I don't want to quit. Not yet.
As a reader, I feel myself change. I don't read as frequently as before. I don't blog as much as last year. Blogging is just a bonus, and I'm actually more of a reader than a writer. As a management, I also feel the change. I got bored. I'm not as enthusiastic as before. I'm not as diligent as before. I feel disappointed with BBI management as a whole. I feel like I'm running on fumes, and it will only a matter of time that it blows up and I'll be more than disappointed--and quit for good. This version of me wants to quit management. But hell, I still feel that odd loyalty, and so I decided I'll stay through this year before re-evaluating my activities.
There has been problems brewing within BBI. One of them is, I think (no, I know) we are stagnant. Maybe because most of our members only want to belong to a community without really giving anything back. We're stuck in a rut. No changes. Nothing. Event talked on our own group, about what makes (made) us not satisfied. We're too busy internalizing things in BBI. Too hard with the rules. Event Division got to a point where we have to make our own move. We're not as active as the other communities, and that drove me batty. I mean, we're pretty old but we rarely have a breakthrough. We move forward too slowly.
It wasn't just the community. It's also me. I started to not care. I started to distance myself with BBI's activities. That's worse, because if I lose my passion with this community, the drive that I had once, what use do I have for BBI and the management? I'll only be a burden to other members of management. I'll only cry and rant and protest without giving a solid solution, and that brings no good. I'll just talk and bring no changes. Honestly, it scares me, that I'll just be a passive member with no contribution. Okay, I'm weird like that. But if I have nothing to offer, I'll be better off as a lone wolf.
Are any of BBI's member reading this?
I want to give something. I know I can still give more. But without something drastic, we'll stay this way. BBI is not just management. We all know that. We have to be more. We can't give up, because we've come this far. Quitting at this stage would be wrong. We can still change. Help me. Help us. Help BBI. This is a community, all members are welcome to make changes.
And after all of this, I'm going to say THANK YOU. Thank you for management members. We've done a lot, we've tried our best. We can still get up and walk forward together. But I think, it's okay to feel tired. Because I do. It's okay to want to stop. But please, let's walk a little bit further. Thank you for all members, who helped BBI to be a bigger community. Will you all help BBI? Will you all help us--the management, the older members--to make BBI is not just a community, but also a beacon in Indonesia's reading communities?
And I'm sorry. Sorry that I wasn't much of a help. Sorry that I feel bored. Sorry that I even felt the need to quit altogether. Sorry, as a management member, if I somehow, inadvertently, did something wrong in the three years I'm a part of management.
So yeah, despite that this post will probably get more lashings and hard feelings, this is my confessions. Me ranting about my own disappointment. But in spite of the weariness, I still love this community, who gives me a solid place to be a book blogger. And makes me proud of being an odd duck, as the girl who never reads popular Indonesian books and it doesn't feel wrong.
After six years together, I don't wanna stop. Let's make it to sixteen. And then twenty six :) Together.
Written by Nina Ridyananda